Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
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