You would DIE at the bar we're at right now. All indian/asian med students, I swear
Asian doctor ratio. So hot. I would've gone into heat
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
