I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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