Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
