that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
You have to summon your inner elephant
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
