Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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