OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!
No. You're kidding.
I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Randomize
