Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
Dignity is for republicans.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
