Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
