The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
