You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Randomize
