I smell stomach acid.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
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