I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Randomize
