I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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