I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
