Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
