We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
We were destined to go to rehab together
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
