I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
