Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
Randomize
