listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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