All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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