i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
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