If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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