My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
You've changed since you got that strap on
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
