So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj
omg every time its on
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
