so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
