Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Randomize
