Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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