A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
can u get pink eye on your cock?
Over it. He probably jacked off to bible verses last night. I don't want that
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
