awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
