im drinking this country out of the recession.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm getting married
To pizza
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
