I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
