you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
Holy sore nipples Batman
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
