i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
