I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
Please tell me its not ok to love a 17 year old....no matter how hot he is and how sexy his eyebrow ring is oh lord
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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