Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
