dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
