kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
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