bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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