Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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