I'd wear matching sweaters with you
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
sarcasm needs its own font
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
