I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Randomize
