A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
I want her autograph on my taint
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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