we have pet lesbian snakes
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
