Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Randomize
