hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood
pics
no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Randomize
