Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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