Your dad touched me again.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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