I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
Randomize
