The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
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