Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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