Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
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